Many years ago, I was told by someone that I respected that I was a negative person. At that time, I explained that I am not negative, I am a realist. I see things for what they are. All be in a bit cynical. This judgement, if you will, had me looking inside. What would make someone see me as negative when I didn't feel that way at all?
In 2010 I was going through a difficult patch in life and wanted it fixed. I turned to the church at first. I surrounded myself and my two older boys (only had the two at that time) with church. We went to Bible study and worship and hung out with our fellow Christians. There was comfort but there was no resolution. I know, I know, it takes time. I get that. I am, however, an impatient person.
On to the next step. Self-help books, conferences and podcasts. I have read so many self-help books and attended so many online conferences that it is kind of funny looking back. I did the things that were suggested. I implemented new habits, read more books. Also got pregnant with and had my third son.
When you have a child, you are in a baby bliss for quite some time. I was able to put life on the back burner to care for this wonderful human that I created. Oh, and like his brothers before him, he was perfect. So back to the self-help. Reading and truly reflecting on who I was as a person. I felt like I was making progress and then... Wait for it......baby boy number four! Back to baby bliss. This time was a little different but that's for another day. Baby boy number four was perfect and healthy and wonderful.
Once baby becomes more self-sufficient and I had more time, life and its messiness become more focused again. I went back to working on myself. I can say that it wasn't at the capacity that it once was. Having four sons, two active in soccer, baseball and football, definitely limits your time for yourself. It was important to me to be the best version of myself, for me and for my boys. Major life events happened. I continued to work on me.
Let's fast forward to now. I still read self-help books and listen to podcasts. I am always looking for ways to improve. I think that sometimes we forget that this is our first time living this experience. I have learned to give myself some grace. It isn't always easy. I hate to make mistakes. With all of this work, I am happy with the woman I am and all that I have experienced. It just felt like there was something deeper. I decided to try therapy. I found a therapist that seems to match my personality. She has been described as "folksy" and has a relaxed approach. By our second visit she was saying that I should be a therapist. She said that I have done all the groundwork. That made me feel like all that time working on me was well worth it. She recommended a workbook, Self-Love Workbook for Women. (I will link it below. It is wonderful!) I have been working the book and have been surprised by the exercises that I get held up on. We talk about the workbook each visit and why certain things have held me up. I am only six weeks into therapy, but I am so happy with it. I have held on to so much from past, childhood and beyond. My therapist says that my life trauma stuck in the tissues. It takes a deeper level of work to release those issues. So, we work.
I don't hide that I am in therapy. I think it is a huge step in releasing who I was and embracing who I am. I was chatting with my sisters the other day about seeing the cynicism in my kids. My oldest sister says, "pretty sure the cynical trait runs dominant in our genes." This "cynical trait" is what others saw as negativity in me. I don't want that for my children. I never did. I didn't even realize it was a problem because it was the way of life for my family. Side note: this has taught me to give a lot more grace than I was. We are products of our environment. We believe what we are taught and what we see. I am learning a lot about myself still and I am hoping to use this knowledge to help change the future generations of my family. All that to say, it is never too late. Don't view therapy as a negative. It is a tool in your tool belt. Use it to make things better.
Nowadays, I like to think of myself as a positive realist. I see the good and the bad, but I choose to focus on the silver linings and the opportunities for growth. So, if you ever need a dose of reality with a side of optimism, I'm your gal! Just don't ask me to predict the lottery numbers, I'm still working on that one.
Self-Love Workbook for Women: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08SDW47J2?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
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