My father left this earth on October 9, 2023. I haven’t really spoken about it that much. He chose to make his exit on his time and in his way.
I was out shopping for stuff for the wedding with my soon to be mother-in-law and we were headed home when I got the call. It was my aunt that called me. She had been helping my dad with errands and household chores since his stroke. She was crying and I immediately knew that it was not good news. When the cry escaped my lips, it felt so thick and loud. I couldn’t stop the tears. Life got fuzzy after that phone call and the only thing that I know for certain is that my soul hurt. It was a shock to the very core of my being.
We got home and I just got out of the car and went straight to a chair in front of our camper and cried. The boys would be arriving from school soon and I struggled with wanting to tell my sons about their Pawpaw. My caring sisters called me on a three-way call and gave me virtual hugs and strength. I remember seeing the boys walking up the driveway towards me and I walked towards them and grabbed them into my arms crying. I gently explained that my daddy was no longer living and that we could talk about it and be emotional about it. I also warned them that I would probably be sad for a while. Shock and tears now covered their faces where smiles just were. We stood there hugging for a while. When they pulled away to go do little boy things, I went back to the chair that I had been sitting in and collapsed in tears again.
The following day, Chris, my fiancé, and I met my sister at my parent’s house. We wanted to make sure that the house was secure and see what kind of shape it was in. My uncle just happened to be there, and he made sure that the location of the incident was covered so that we could not see, specifically so that I could not see. I stood in my parent’s house and had no idea what to do. I didn’t know where to start. What did we need to make sure was taken care of? What did we need to take and secure in case someone got into the house? Did my mom need anything taken to the nursing home that was in the house? All these questions swirled in mind and left me motionless. At this point I was still in shock.
As the days came, I had to contact the homeowner’s insurance and submit a claim for biohazard clean up. Where I had to retell the story of what happened. The biohazard clean-up team from City Bio Clean were so kind and gentle with the situation. They had to have someone there while they were there. Chris, my sisters and I all met over there. We were trying to go through some of my dad’s and our mom’s stuff while we had to be there. There was laughter and tears. They ended up having to cut apart and take the whole couch. The smell is one that will stick with me for a while. I also had to reach out to the bank and utilities. There was a bad pipe clog that caused the house to flood. There were so many additional things that were added to the to-do list. Without the help of Chris, my sisters, my aunt and my soon to be in-laws, I would have been lost.
The day I went to pick up his ashes from the funeral home, I went alone. No one was available to go with me. It was about a two-hour drive and my palms were sweating and my stomach knotted the entire way. Apple maps took me a different route than I had ever been before, and it was an absolutely beautiful drive around Lake Tawakoni. The funeral home was beautiful and practically empty when I arrived. The same sweet gal that I had talked to on the phone was at the desk. When she handed me the box with my dad’s name on it and his date of death, I was hit with grief again. The words that left my mouth didn’t make any sense. I nearly tripped over my own feet. I tried to pull the push door. As a drove home with my dad’s box of ashes in the passenger seat, it was almost a sense of relief to have him with me now. I still don’t know how or why that makes any sense, but he was no longer at the medical examiner’s office or a funeral home. He was with his daughter.
Grief is a funny thing.
I was in a very heavy grief fog for a few weeks after that. I know I did the things and went through the motions of life, but I don’t remember a lot of it. Someone, I believe my aunt, suggested that I get a notebook and write down who I talk to and about what. Honestly, it was great advice. In the whirl wind of trying to figure out how to grieve and take care of things of my dad’s, I also had kids to take care of, and a wedding to plan. You know in the movies when they show a character standing still and the day, period of time, or season, flies by in a whirlwind around them? That is literally how it felt. Time was weird and the world was black and white. I would be doing the dishes and just start crying out of nowhere. On my first trip to the grocery store after my dad’s passing, an older gentleman walked by me in an aisle and casually asked how I was doing, and I just started crying.
It is still something that is on my mind every single day. There have been so many times that I have been in conversations with someone and go to say, “let me call my dad, he will know the answer to that” and I realize I can’t. A song will come on and something about the song will remind me of him and I will cry. I still can’t go to my parent’s house alone. I don’t know why. On some of the harder days and nights, I have called his cellphone and left long voicemails just talking to him. I pay for his cellphone and need to cut it off, but it has been a comfort. I also talk to him almost every time that I am alone in the car. I find myself using a lot of his sayings or smart-ass remarks so much more frequently. I am always telling stories about him, but I did that before also. I miss him. I find comfort in knowing that he is no longer suffering from the side effects of his stroke, but I miss him. Rest in peace Daddy! I love you!
Comentarios