Let me preface this post by giving a little info. I have four sons, same mom (obviously) and same father. Son #1, AP (advanced) classes and incredibly smart WHEN it’s applied, generally good at all sports WHEN applied, outgoing, kind, sarcastic. Son #2, dyslexic but deep thinker, good at sports and amazing soccer player, amazing to watch perform on stage in theater, uses humor and class clown behavior to hide his academic struggles, charismatic and kind. Son #3, GT (gifted and talented) student, math telescope student (taking the next grade level math class), incredibly deep thinker, likes sports but would rather be gaming, socially awkward but liked by many, kind, and empathetic. Son #4, dyslexic and strong dislike for school, loves learning about things that interest him, loving but defensive (probably from having three big brothers who pick on him), very perceptive of things others don’t notice, wonderful imagination, wants to be friends with everyone, very protective of his family and friends.
I was out to lunch with my coworkers and one is a new mom. Her baby girl is cutting her first tooth and she’s got those milestone emotions going strong. It made me think about all my babies and their milestones and the things that we go through with and for our children.
Have kids they say. It’s the most rewarding and challenging job you’ll have, they say. They weren’t wrong there. Lets start with pregnancy. When I found out I was pregnant the first time, it was because I couldn’t stand the taste of beer and I enjoy beer. I was so excited to become a mom. I did not have that pregnancy glow. I had morning sickness, smell sickness, so incredibly uncomfortable. I loved feeling my baby move inside me but the rest of it, well, it sucked! During my second pregnancy I was a front desk manager at a fancy gym and had to wear business clothes and walk the floors. Back then all affordable maternity clothes were not stylish or cute. I went from business suits and heels to brightly colored outfits and a waddle. My third and fourth pregnancies were surprises but I was also older and more comfortable with being pregnant so the appearance part didn’t bother me. But with each subsequent pregnancy, your ligaments loosen and your hips, pelvis and back ache more. With my fourth pregnancy I was getting chiropractic adjustments weekly just to be able to walk without pain.
Although I hated the pregnancy part, delivering those babies, and the life changing, heart bursting with love, emotional elation you experience when first meeting that beautiful life you’ve been growing inside you, makes it all worth it. I remember when I found out my second baby was also a boy, I was so afraid that I would not be able to love him the way I loved my first son. I know it sounds horrible but I was really worried about it. I loved my first son like crazy and the second pregnancy was different so I had convinced myself that it was a girl. When I delivered my second son and they laid him on my chest, I burst out crying because I loved him so damn much in that very instant. He was beautiful and perfect and so tiny. He was my smallest baby at 6lbs 10oz. It is true, that saying that love is not divided but multiplied. With the birth of my third and fourth sons, I did not have that fear and the love was instant and overwhelming. The births were all painful and recovery was harder the older I got. They say that we forget the pain of childbirth. I remember it but it is definitely not what stands out in my mind when thinking of my children coming into the world.
I breastfed all four so I felt like a dairy cow for many years. Sometimes they would nurse great. Other times I would struggle to keep them awake long enough to eat or they would want to nurse constantly. I made the decision to breastfeed because I wanted to give them the nutrition and antibodies, I was able to produce milk easily and it was much cheaper than formula. Nobody told me that it would be so mentally, emotionally, and physically draining. Looking back, I wouldn’t have changed my decision but I would have loved to have been more prepared for the drain it had on me. Breast milk digests much quicker than formula and these boys ate all the time! Let’s not forget that if momma ate something spicy or something that their tummies didn’t like, they were cranky and/or gassy and uncomfortable. There was a learning curve with each one because they are all so completely different. There were many nights of taking shifts walking and bouncing or burping a baby for hours. I don’t recall a sleep schedule even close to normal until they were at least six months old. Oh and we co-slept with all four. Sometimes with two kids in the bed at the same time.
Then they become mobile. With the first son, we put bumpers on the fireplace, which he removed and immediately fell and cut his chin open. We had baby gates, the plug blockers, hand sanitizer, the locks on the cabinets and toilets, all the baby proofing. He was still the one that found a paint can he could open and painted himself and the floor. With my second son we still baby proofed the house but we also had son #1 as an alert system. Still didn’t keep son #2 from sticking a screwdriver into the electric outlet. Son #3 enjoyed playing in toilet water and crawling out the doggy door. Son #4 drank hand sanitizer and got ahold of essential oils and gave us a scare. Yes, with all of those incidents I felt like a horrible mom. I felt that I had failed them. I am happy to report that they are all healthy and well today.
The days are long but the years go fast and then you are sending them to school. My first son had no reservations to going to school. As soon as he walked in, he forgot he had parents standing there anxious and nervous. My second son went to a preschool that had cameras in the classrooms so you could check in on them. Every single morning was a heart breaking performance of him not wanting to be there and crying and clinching your leg. Fighting back your own tears you would hand him over to the teacher and try to ignore his outstretched arms to go to your car and pull up the video where you find him sitting there happy as can be with his classmates. my third son had good days and bad days. Some days he loved being in PreK and other days he wanted to be with mom or dad. My fourth son was another one that went kicking and screaming. He often felt left out at school so he did not enjoy it.
Then they play sports and you find yourself holding your breath constantly. There’s those moments when your son does a scorpion in the end zone and the stands erupt with applause abs cheers but you’re watching your first born son, waiting for him to get up. You need to see his face and see his walk so you can determine if he’s hurt. You moms know what I’m talking about. You can tell by their faces and their walks how badly they’re hurt. Same kid was playing soccer in high school against a rough team. I was in the car watching the game because I had the Littles abs it was cold. He kicked on goal and the other team defended. Shin guard to shin guard and the sound was so loud I heard it in my vehicle. I stopped breathing and waited for that walk. He got up, he walked, coach sat him down and the trainers checked him out. Then he went back in. I could breath. My second son was more cautious in football but he got hit by a baseball nearly every time he played. You sit in those stands whether it’s freezing, raining, or melt in your seat hot. My second son was playing football and I was in the stands with layers of clothes, gloves, blanket and umbrella. The rain was coming sideways and it was so cold. He was on the sidelines and looked back at me, patted his hands together, smiled a huge smile and says, “Coach gave me hand warmers.” I would’ve like some hand warmers at that moment but he was so happy. I just laughed. I’ve also been the parent that the coach pulled aside and said that he wanted a competitive team and maybe my son should look for a different team. This was city recreational soccer and he was five. Pfft…whatever.
Then there’s the heart break and heart ache. From other kids being mean to break ups with girl friends. I’m a female so I can relate to the female side which I suppose is helpful at times but they’re young men, I don’t know that part. I have learned that sometimes the best thing that you can do is listen. You don’t always have to speak or offer advice. Sometimes they just want to get their story out and being that person for them is the greatest! I am blessed to have an amazing and pretty open line of communication with my sons. They talk to me about everything. I do not judge. I voice my opinions and my experience and if it’s something I don’t approve of then I tell them that also. But I think it’s important that they come to me with everything and that they know that they can because I have their back no matter what.
My oldest is 17 and graduating next month. He has worked at McDonald’s for two years. He owns two cars. He is an amazing big brother, a good student, a great soccer player, and I am so proud to be his mom. While it kills my heart to think of him getting an apartment with his friend (he’s going to a nearby college), I know that means I did a decent job raising him. He isn’t skilled on laundry or cooking, sorry girls, but he will do well and he will succeed at whatever he puts his mind to. He has a great village of support. It truly takes a village as they say. He’s blessed with a great one.
There are no instructions when it comes to parenting and every child is different, even in the same family. The best advice I can give is just love them, be there, don’t pretend to be perfect. They need to know that life has struggles and that they can be overcome. Most of all, be present.
Sorry this was a longer post but it was sitting there waiting to be written. Be well until next time….the story is always changing…
***Obviously everything mentioned in this post is my story but please listen to your medical doctor and/or pediatrician when it comes to your children. ***
Comments